Me: “How many pants are you taking?” Answer from my partner: “Two.” Which ones? “Well the blue one and this one I’m wearing right now.” I look at him not so understanding and say, “So then you take one. No, then I take 2, right? This one I’m wearing and the other one.” But then you take one with you in the suitcase….. “Yes but then I bring two long pants.”

All right, so here we are not coming out. We are each on a totally different wavelength. This is a good example of miscommunication that happens very regularly, and unfortunately also regularly leads to irritation and arguments.

What is going on here? We each have our own view of what we do, and thus the truth. One pair of pants in the suitcase, one on is a total of two for my partner. And since he is indeed going on vacation with me, a total of two pants go with him. True. I envision that if you take two pants with you, two go in the suitcase. Then you take two pants with you, and yes you also have one on. I don’t see that as three. He does. Who is right? No idea. We both think we are saying the right thing and that the other is “a little stupid” and doesn’t understand. Did we argue about this? No, not now, but in the past the flame could catch in the fire. Then we went for our own rightness and tried to convince the other person of that. A waste of energy and negative emotion. Because it wouldn’t work anyway.

Where does it come from that we use such different words, mean the same thing but say it differently? For things like this, you have to look a little further. I am a visual person, my partner is more on the facts, that is how we are baked and that is not going to change.

The trick is to accept that we are both right, while secretly I still think: so you only take one.

This ultimately goes absolutely nowhere, but it gives a good picture of how simple miscommunication, on a larger scale could lead to real problems. And also: if it happens often in a relationship a lot can be destroyed.

What if you experience this? A few tips:

• Being right is different from being right. What is the reason you would necessarily want this? And is this worth the hassle?
• Delving into the other person: why is he/she saying this? Where is it coming from?
• Instead of judging, ask a question. For example, ” If you say I take one and have one on, together two then I understand. Now it’s confusing to me. Can you understand that?”
  If the answer is some form of ‘no’ then there is no point in continuing it. Leave each person alone and know that the next time it could cause confusion
  If the answer is ‘yes’ then you have a conversation. By the way, it is important that you give other the space for understanding and the emotions that may be there.
• By letting it rest for a while you can look at this communication from a distance, hopefully you can both laugh about it and it won’t become an issue.